Brian Kantz, Buffalo, NY-based writer and editor

THE NEWBIE DAD - JANUARY 2009

What Guys Really Talk About in the Locker Room

Aha — I gotcha! Admit it, you saw that headline and just had to hear about all our little secrets. You want to know every single juicy detail — even more than what you read in last month’s Cosmo article by the same headline.

Well, I have to say that I’m more than a bit shocked at your interest — but I’m happy to oblige. Keep in mind that I’m doing this at great peril to myself. I could suffer painful repercussions from breaking Rule #14 of the Man Code: “What is said in the locker room, stays in the locker room.”

What the heck, here goes:

So, there I was in the locker room of the local YMCA after a very intense swim meet. Think me versus Michael Phelps in the 200-meter freestyle. I won, if you must know. It wasn’t even close. OK, actually it was just a swimming lesson. Moms, dads and toddlers splashing around in the pool and singing “the wheels on the bus go round and round.” The whole bit.

Anyhow, we’re up in the men’s locker room and it’s getting pretty rowdy. Guys are whooping and hollering. All of the sudden, the younger dudes — with their six-pack abs — start ripping their Speedos off! OK, it wasn’t that rowdy, mostly just some general objection to being taken out of the water… “Me go waaaa-waaaa… more waaaa-waaaa!” And by “younger dudes,” I’m talking pretty much two- and three-year-olds here. And by “six-pack abs,” that would be a six-pack of chocolate milk abs. Nice, plump little baby bellies. And by “Speedos,” I’m referring, of course, to swim diapers. For my own son, shamefully, it was a pair of Little Mermaid swimmies that his girl-cousin had grown too big to wear.

As the dads and their sons are changing into dry clothes, I can’t help but overhear the conversations. Now, you might think of the traditional dad-son dynamic — stoic males going about their tasks with barely more than a grunt of dialogue between them. Not so today. No, no. That would be the 1950s, friends. Today’s dads are all about communication. And all subjects are in-bounds in the locker room. Yes, here comes the juicy part, so keep reading.

Women, as you’ve undoubtedly already guessed, are the number one topic of conversation. A few lockers down from me, one dad starts dishing the dirt on his wife. While helping his son get his shirt on (the little guy’s arm gets stuck for a second before finding the hole), the dad carefully explains: “Grandma and grandpa are coming over tonight, so mommy is starting to get the house cleaned up. She gave us a list for the grocery store, so let’s stop on the way home and you can help me pick up some things for dinner. We can pick up some pretty flowers for mommy, too. Then when we get back, we’ll help her clean up. OK, bud?”

Guys were also dredging up old family issues, with a bit of emotion. Two benches down, a dad asks his son to take his shoes out of the locker. The boy does as he is told. Then the dad asks his son to take his jacket out of his locker. Once again, the boy complies. And his hat and mittens? The boy does it without fuss. It’s a pretty impressive display for a toddler. Then, the father gets this great big smile on his face and says, “You know, when I was your age and Papa Joe asked me to do something, and I did, he would give me this great big smile.” Both of them laughed.

And, certainly, there was even some of that macho bragging that goes on in every locker room. Talking to his son, who was probably all of nine months old, one guy proudly exclaimed: “You did soooo great today! You really love the water! I had so much fun with you today! Yes, I did! You are such a good little swimmer! You did soooo great!”

OK, by “dishing the dirt,” “dredging up old family issues,” and “macho bragging,” I actually mean that it was the most incredible display of tenderhearted love that I’ve seen in a long time. I’m telling you, those guys know what it means to be a dad. It was clear: they love their kids and they let them know it through words and deeds. Well, that’s men in a locker room for you.


Brian Kantz



		© 2008 Brian Kantz • All rights reserved • Contact Brian

	THE NEWBIE DAD - JANUARY 2009 What Guys Really Talk About in the Locker Room Aha — I gotcha! Admit it, you saw that headline and just had to hear about all our little secrets. You want to know every single juicy detail — even more than what you read in last month’s Cosmo article by the same headline. Well, I have to say that I’m more than a bit shocked at your interest — but I’m happy to oblige. Keep in mind that I’m doing this at great peril to myself. I could suffer painful repercussions from breaking Rule #14 of the Man Code: “What is said in the locker room, stays in the locker room.” What the heck, here goes: So, there I was in the locker room of the local YMCA after a very intense swim meet. Think me versus Michael Phelps in the 200-meter freestyle. I won, if you must know. It wasn’t even close. OK, actually it was just a swimming lesson. Moms, dads and toddlers splashing around in the pool and singing “the wheels on the bus go round and round.” The whole bit. Anyhow, we’re up in the men’s locker room and it’s getting pretty rowdy. Guys are whooping and hollering. All of the sudden, the younger dudes — with their six-pack abs — start ripping their Speedos off! OK, it wasn’t that rowdy, mostly just some general objection to being taken out of the water… “Me go waaaa-waaaa… more waaaa-waaaa!” And by “younger dudes,” I’m talking pretty much two- and three-year-olds here. And by “six-pack abs,” that would be a six-pack of chocolate milk abs. Nice, plump little baby bellies. And by “Speedos,” I’m referring, of course, to swim diapers. For my own son, shamefully, it was a pair of Little Mermaid swimmies that his girl-cousin had grown too big to wear. As the dads and their sons are changing into dry clothes, I can’t help but overhear the conversations. Now, you might think of the traditional dad-son dynamic — stoic males going about their tasks with barely more than a grunt of dialogue between them. Not so today. No, no. That would be the 1950s, friends. Today’s dads are all about communication. And all subjects are in-bounds in the locker room. Yes, here comes the juicy part, so keep reading. Women, as you’ve undoubtedly already guessed, are the number one topic of conversation. A few lockers down from me, one dad starts dishing the dirt on his wife. While helping his son get his shirt on (the little guy’s arm gets stuck for a second before finding the hole), the dad carefully explains: “Grandma and grandpa are coming over tonight, so mommy is starting to get the house cleaned up. She gave us a list for the grocery store, so let’s stop on the way home and you can help me pick up some things for dinner. We can pick up some pretty flowers for mommy, too. Then when we get back, we’ll help her clean up. OK, bud?” Guys were also dredging up old family issues, with a bit of emotion. Two benches down, a dad asks his son to take his shoes out of the locker. The boy does as he is told. Then the dad asks his son to take his jacket out of his locker. Once again, the boy complies. And his hat and mittens? The boy does it without fuss. It’s a pretty impressive display for a toddler. Then, the father gets this great big smile on his face and says, “You know, when I was your age and Papa Joe asked me to do something, and I did, he would give me this great big smile.” Both of them laughed. And, certainly, there was even some of that macho bragging that goes on in every locker room. Talking to his son, who was probably all of nine months old, one guy proudly exclaimed: “You did soooo great today! You really love the water! I had so much fun with you today! Yes, I did! You are such a good little swimmer! You did soooo great!” OK, by “dishing the dirt,” “dredging up old family issues,” and “macho bragging,” I actually mean that it was the most incredible display of tenderhearted love that I’ve seen in a long time. I’m telling you, those guys know what it means to be a dad. It was clear: they love their kids and they let them know it through words and deeds. Well, that’s men in a locker room for you.